guenievre: (maria of gueldern)
So I've realized I have even more self-destructive tendencies than I thought, other than just my semi-ADD nature. Or maybe everyone does this, and it's not just me.

Do you ever find yourself going longer and longer without doing something *purely* because you're embarassed / frustrated with yourself for not having done it in the first place? ie calling a friend, or cleaning your house, or... ::insert task here:: Not because the task would have originally been *bad*, of course, but for whatever reason you didn't do it and now you made the situation worse... ::sigh::

One of these days I'll learn to not do that.
guenievre: (xinghua)
Lately I've been feeling... hmm... like an intellectual slacker, in a lot of ways. Too many people I know are hip deep in their doctorates or masters or trying to go to law school or... yeah, etc etc etc. And in many ways, though I'm good at tests or what have you, I've always felt academically inferior to a lot of my friends, mostly because I'm somewhat lazy/shallow in my pursuit of knowledge - while there are a few things I "geek" on, and I'm good at trivia, I'm more like a very large very flat puddle info-wise rather than a well of knowledge on anything.

I need to fix this at some point.

But at any rate, I found this on [ profile] alphasarah's journal while reading my "friendsfriends" page (having a paid LJ is quite nice!), and thought I'd do it.

These are the 101 "most influential" books as chosen by the College Board - the people who do the SAT and such - and while they're not the most authoritative people in the world, it's still interesting. So anyway, the ones I've read are in bold, the ones where I've only seen the movie are in italic (shame on me!).

101 Books )

Hmm, I'm not sure whether this entry came out as more snobby or pathetic - I guess that's up to y'all. It's just interesting - maybe I should read less fluff and fill in the list a bit. Any suggestions as to what I *really* need to read, on or off the list?


Apr. 13th, 2004 02:58 pm
guenievre: (Default)
It's nice being the class geek again. I never thought I'd say that, but I'm sitting in imageWARE class right now, and of course, I have a lot more experience / product knowledge than anyone (save perhaps one guy? though I'd go head to head w/ him and expect to win - am I too competitive) in the class. So half the questions the instructor asks, he ends with "Jennifer don't answer". This amuses me highly, though it probably shouldn't... (and I'm really not trying to dominate the class, I promise! that's at least one thing I learned since high school...)

I almost wish I could go back to the student thing full-time though... I don't think that there's anyway of feasibly doing that right now, though, unfortunately. And I'm still a little unsure as to what I would do - though the idea of being a marriage / sex therapist still intrigues me, more than any other profession I've thought about since leaving Carolina.

The problem, of course, is that I thoroughly screwed myself in the way I left Carolina... not only did I lose my scholarships, but of course, my GPA was horrid from not going to I'm not really sure how I would go about going back to school... is there anyone out there who's done it who has any clue?

And of course there's the cash thing... ie I have no way of affording tuition. :-( or at least if I COULD afford tuition, it'd be going back to student style living - ramen, a cheaper apartment, etc etc etc. And a lot less SCA / SCA stuff... I'm not sure these are tradeoffs I'm quite ready for.
still, it's something to ponder...
guenievre: (Default)
So last night I came to several realizations:
1. There's a reason you're supposed to measure 2x and cut once - really - there is.
2. Just because something fits you once it's on, doesn't mean that it can be taken on and off.

and most importantly:

3. I really need to quit sabotaging myself.

The problem, of course, with number 3 is that I really have no idea HOW to do so... I mean, it's typical procrastination, of course, but at the same time, it's got deeper reasons than that. I don't think there has EVER been a project of mine that I actually put 100% effort into - either I spend a ridiculous amount of time planning it, and then don't start, I go gung ho on it for a few days and then drop it, or, if it's something I HAVE to do, I procrastinate until the absolute last minute and beyond, so I'm never happy with the results. Hell, even if the REST of the world is, I'm not.

I'm not sure why I do this - is it because I'm afraid to succeed? Or even worse, is it becase I'm afraid to fail? I mean, if something is fucked up now, I can always blame my procrastination... but if I actually put my all into something, and then it's not good enough, I'm... not really sure how I would deal with that. It's so... pathetic that I'm that afraid of failing... but I am. And I don't know how to change that. I mean, in reality, I've *never* really failed at something I've put my everything into... not because I've never failed, but because I've never had the guts to commit to anything (well, except Nick of course, and that's just... blind luck. I'm so damn lucky to have him...) Meanwhile, I don't know how to change this.. pattern of mine. I'm scared... terrified even... of what happens if I do and nothing changes - I'm still a hack when it comes to sewing, and while I'm a decent cook, what if I'm never great??


guenievre: (Default)

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