guenievre: (vodka gods)

Ok, I realize I'm more, um, sensitive to these things than most people. But, WTF? WHY do random tv shows insist on having people throw up.. ON FRICKIN' CAMERA?!?!!!!
I mean, True Blood, ok, fine, it's sort of horror-esque, goo is sort of the order of the day. But random projectile-ick on The Sopranos? How is that necessary?!? And Secret Diary of a Call Girl?!??? That's not precisely what one expects, now is it? (No, no, it wasn't like that, some guy's wife found out he went to an escort and that was her reaction. Out of all the possible choices in the world...)
Jeez, just because you have the technology doesn't mean it's appropriate. And really, it's Never Appropriate.

OK, rant over, before I repeat myself more...

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guenievre: (lovers)
It's funny how those words rhyme... funny how it feels like they're still synonyms, even after I think I don't have angst about being who I am and having the life I do anymore.

Why the angst? well, I got into another of those conversations at work - the ones that always leave me feeling like, well, a freak. See, every so often the topic of where N and I went to high school comes up. (In this case it was because someone had some lotion which smelled EXACTLY like the air freshener they used to use after dissections). Which, of course, because it's so out of the ordinary - not that many people leave home to go to boarding school at 16 - leads to questions of "how'd you get to go there? you must be really smart! what's your IQ?" etc etc. I don't think that the people who I end up having these questions with are being meanspirited about it, they're honestly curious and not really trying to be rude. And I'm not conversationally graceful enough to derail the conversation before it starts... and I'm just arrogant enough that I am not very good at downplaying the truth about my test scores and whatnot. (Not that I don't realize that the thrice-cursed scores really don't mean anything and wouldn't even really get me a cup of coffee).

In fact, I don't really recognize that the conversation has hit THAT path again until I'm back at my desk and wondering why I feel like a freak again. I used to get sucked into these conversations long before NCSSM, of course - beeing a Very Big Fish (scroll to 1997, my maiden name was Rehmann) in the Very Small Pond I grew up in will do that - if it wasn't my parents showing me off it was my teachers, and the natural reaction of my peers to that was in fact a very similar conversation - except, of course, it wasn't honest curiosity, it was venom pure and simple. (Or was it? looking back on things now I have problems even telling what was real and what was in my head in those days.) All I knew then was that I desperately didn't want to be different... but I was and there was nothing I could do about it. Geek=freak, end of story.

Now? Some days I'm good at flying my geek-pride flag high. The latest Survivor? of course I didn't watch it, I was too busy fighting/sewing/playing WarCrack. Others? well, I end up both embarrassed by my intelligence and by the fact I'm not doing anything more... significant with it.
guenievre: (maria of gueldern)
So I've realized I have even more self-destructive tendencies than I thought, other than just my semi-ADD nature. Or maybe everyone does this, and it's not just me.

Do you ever find yourself going longer and longer without doing something *purely* because you're embarassed / frustrated with yourself for not having done it in the first place? ie calling a friend, or cleaning your house, or... ::insert task here:: Not because the task would have originally been *bad*, of course, but for whatever reason you didn't do it and now you made the situation worse... ::sigh::

One of these days I'll learn to not do that.
guenievre: (cat)
So I was thirsty and went to get a Diet Coke out of the drink machine. I should have known it wasn't "good" coke when I opened it, as it fizzed all over me. OK, fine. Then I put it on my desk, where it promptly tried to turn itself over into my computer. (Obviously it didn't get the 'puter, as I'm typing this.) I've decided I must have a can of hyperkinetic diet coke on my hands... maybe it's the extra caffeine they put in the diet stuff...

So why is it that whenever I have something that I *absolutely have to do*, that's when I have the least ability to focus on it?

Meanwhile, I'm cranky today - yay sunburn. Oh yeah, and I was cranky / antisocial yesterday, so apologies to [ profile] ramblingheritic,[ profile] zihuatanejo,[ profile] thatursula, and [ profile] harleenquinzell, and of course my dearest [ profile] soucyn who had to deal with me at dinner. Sorry! I should have just found another book, and stayed home with it. On the up side, The Fairy Godmother, which I read at Barnes and Noble while [ profile] darklordmoeser and [ profile] soucyn were at Sin City (which I decided not to see because of the gore factor, even though the cinematography sounded interesting), was quite good for Mercedes Lackey fluff - the story telegraphed what was going to happen at 30 paces out, but hey, the whole book was based on *fairy tales* - this is not a surprise. I quite recommend it, even for those who have sworn off Lackey because of the travesty she's made out of some of the Valdemar books...any of the ones she's done lately have improved. She is, of course, still fluff, and I don't think that will ever change, but that's good once in a while...

Saturday was fun though - went to Novice Tourney, got to watch Girard fight. (Yay! and he even fought to win me a rose from Sir Bryce, who is doing the most gorgeous challenge in honor of his soon-to-be-wife. The odd part of this was when Bryce asked G to introduce him to the lady he was fighting for (me), he said he already knew me - and I don't think we had ever met before. Oh well, maybe my name had gotten to him some other way - there aren't any other Guènievre's in-kingdom that I know of - or maybe he was thinking of someone else. ).

We interrupt this ramble to go "squee!" over the new cookbook that just got delivered to my desk. "The Quick Recipe", from the Cook's Illustrated people. I see much yumminess in my future!

Anyway, so the real reason I went to the event was because Elchenburg Castle (which is looking much better!) is a great site for cooking in a primitive environment - and there was no feast planned for the event. So, I got to play with food - yay! I did both lunch and dinner for Girard and I, Jenny and Owen, Trephina, and their Excellencies. Cut for food info - this will get a bit long... )
guenievre: (Default)
So last night I came to several realizations:
1. There's a reason you're supposed to measure 2x and cut once - really - there is.
2. Just because something fits you once it's on, doesn't mean that it can be taken on and off.

and most importantly:

3. I really need to quit sabotaging myself.

The problem, of course, with number 3 is that I really have no idea HOW to do so... I mean, it's typical procrastination, of course, but at the same time, it's got deeper reasons than that. I don't think there has EVER been a project of mine that I actually put 100% effort into - either I spend a ridiculous amount of time planning it, and then don't start, I go gung ho on it for a few days and then drop it, or, if it's something I HAVE to do, I procrastinate until the absolute last minute and beyond, so I'm never happy with the results. Hell, even if the REST of the world is, I'm not.

I'm not sure why I do this - is it because I'm afraid to succeed? Or even worse, is it becase I'm afraid to fail? I mean, if something is fucked up now, I can always blame my procrastination... but if I actually put my all into something, and then it's not good enough, I'm... not really sure how I would deal with that. It's so... pathetic that I'm that afraid of failing... but I am. And I don't know how to change that. I mean, in reality, I've *never* really failed at something I've put my everything into... not because I've never failed, but because I've never had the guts to commit to anything (well, except Nick of course, and that's just... blind luck. I'm so damn lucky to have him...) Meanwhile, I don't know how to change this.. pattern of mine. I'm scared... terrified even... of what happens if I do and nothing changes - I'm still a hack when it comes to sewing, and while I'm a decent cook, what if I'm never great??
guenievre: (Default)
Wow... just... wow. I absolutely cannot believe the absolute CHINTZINESS of the restaurant I went to last night. Sunset Grillle, Durham NC - - - not only was the food mediocre at best - the "cheeeeesy fries" barely had any cheese on them, the nachos came out all wrong, the burgers were... eh... at best...and the drink pours were not exactly generous - as in, pay $2 more at the martini bar, get 2x the martini). (Is there a synonym for that word? I feel so weird using it now b/c of the name thing) Anyway, I could have written off many of these things, purely based on proximity - it's a bar. I can walk to it. 'nuf said. Untill.... I got my bill. On said bill, it turns out they charged me $0.75 for BARBEQUE SAUCE on my burger. I mean, jeeez... that's just ridiculous (I wouldn't have minded had they MENTIONED that there was an extra charge, so I knew before hand. However, this "surprise" charge, while it's not like I couldn't afford it, just pissed me off). So, in a very untypical move for me, I complained to the waiter. He said it was policy, and I said fine, b/c it really wasn't the poor guy's fault. Meanwhile, I'm still miffed. So I call the owner this morning - and he DOESN"T APOLOGIZE. Even after I point out that there was no note on the menu stating barbeque sauce was extra, and that he was very specifically driving away a potential regular customer. And all her friends. idiot. Long story short, don't go there....

And I STILL haven't gotten decent cheese fries. Just because some people can't suck it up and deal once in a while, so I never get to go Linda's....
guenievre: (Default)
So meanwhile, my job is still sucking the life out of me - I don't understand this - nothing has really changed, per se, in the projects I do or the people I work with, but...somehow they just don't interest me anymore and I find myself fighting not to go do SCA research when I should be working...

Hmm, this diary entry is taking longer than it should... mostly b/c I succumbed to temptation and looked around a bit more on the tiny-half-circle cloak issue.


guenievre: (Default)

April 2011

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